Saturday, June 13, 2015

Diary 2: Summer semester, Feeling homesick, still mourning, missing dad.

Hi guys!
Sorry I haven't been really updating!
I got really lazy and then my summer classes begun.

Look how excited I was my first day of school!
I'm taking math and political science this summer.
It's my last math class thankfully but my brain is seriously suffering.
 I'm awful at it! 
Math hates me and I hate it too.
I have absolutely no idea as to what I'm doing at all.
I'm stuck with this magic square homework with equations, fractions, and decimals worksheets
and I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing! *cry*
I'm not looking forward to the exam at all.
Crossing my fingers and praying to god that I do good because it doesn't matter how much effort is put my math skills suck big time lol!
I'm really stressed about it but I hope with all my heart I do well.

Lately also, I been feeling really really really homesick since
last sunday I went to visit my grandma's grave and I got to go around 
my country with my mom and my mom's husband.

We went to a really nice restaurant!

There was a lot of cute flowers!

I really like these types of seats so i took a picture of them haha!

And here's the entrance to the dining room

it was a nice water fountain with rose petals.

I really had wish I brought my camera along with me to 
photograph the restaurant because it was so pretty!
And most importantly the food was exquisite.

We also went shopping at the mall and grocery shop which really made me feel nostalgic.
I didn't want to leave.
Specially when I had a really yummy chocolate milkshake from my favorite local ice cream place!
Call me crazy, but i feel ice-cream in other countries are very different!
The chocolate ice cream in our country has a tiny bit of cinnamon flavoring in it.
It's extremely delicious and I much like it better than the U.S ver.
I had these milkshakes since I was a child, it brought me so many memories as well.

While being here we also got to visit my grandma's grave.
Sometime reality hits me really hard because I still can't believe my grandma is not here with us.
I still feel pain about her passing away and I start crying because I start to remember all
those times me and my grandma shared.
I know for a fact my grandma is in a better place but somehow my mind refuses to believe
that she's gone.

I sometimes rewatch the video I made of her and my family and go over our family photos,
it makes me feel really homesick because
 I remember our old house and my cousins coming over to play. 
I also found this through our family pictures!!

I was a toddler in this picture hehe.

Looking through photos made me miss my family even more.
You know, my mom and dad together.
My mom's new husband is not a bad person I suppose.
Things at the beginning sucked but lately things are falling where they belong.

I don't have a close relationship with my dad nor do I talk to him much.
Sometimes I just really forget how his face looks like or how his voice sounds like.
I think I been a really bad daughter to him and I don't want to face him.
I don't think I have many memories with my dad and that saddens me.
I wish we could've remained together but that's a selfish wish from my part.
It made me think a lot.
I found this writing in the back in one of our pictures and it made me awfully sad
I had written back as child that was going to miss him so much and the only thing that 
cheers me up is that i know i'll see him soon
then I said to please think of me and my sister 
and I added that we are waiting for him to come back.

As a child I always had hope that I'll see my parents back together.
My parents separated when i was still young, 
like around 9-10 years old.
At the time my parents talked about each other and put us in between.
I didn't know at which one I was more upset.
I was confused and sometimes the bad person to me seemed like my dad.
I felt abandoned.
I regret not talking to my dad as much as other daughters do.
My dad never really writes to me nor calls me.
Sometimes I feel that my dad didn't love me.
I don't know how to approach him without it being awkward
or feeling like he's disinterest.

I feel like I'm not part of his life like my younger brother is
and that really saddens me.

I know i got another shot to a father at home,
but I can't call him my step dad just yet.
It's weird to me and still I don't accept it completely.

I feel really ungrateful because there's many people without their dad's and here I'm with
two of them and I'm just wasting them away.

I been thinking a lot about my family lately
it makes me miss them a lot.
Specially my grandma.
Well we have reached the end!

Hopefully I didn't bore you too much with my big personal update!!!
I hope you all are doing well!

Thank you for reading and god bless!

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